ElleSpeak

Like many married people my former husband and I had been happy…until we weren’t. A good marriage is a partnership, and at times most healthy partnerships require a little compromise from both partners. Over the years I had chosen to compromise more than a little, and to suppress vital parts of myself for what I thought was the good of the union. As a result I lost touch with my authentic self.

All along I was aware of what was happening and why, but chose to not look too closely, because I might have to change how I lived my life, and that was really scary. However, eventually, the overwhelming desire to be true to myself forced me to admit that I had been short changing myself for a long time, and I began reaching out to try to find and reclaim what I had lost, to let rise up what I had kept suppressed for so long.

I chose to become more aware, to become healthier and happier, and to no longer suppress a beautiful part of my Self. I thought this new personal beginning would also be a new beginning for my marriage, but my husband didn’t see it in the same healing light as I did, and our life together came to its’ conclusion.

Unfettered by commitment to a marriage I was now able to freely seek what I had lost, and to hopefully become a better version of myself; but, I was not at all sure that I would be able to make my way in the world alone. For a long time I had been afraid of being alone, and now at age 63 I found myself completely alone.

I had always believed that my “golden” years would be spent lovingly, and securely, in the arms of the man who had held me close during our long marriage. Slowly, I let go of that unfulfilled vision, cast aside the regret and sadness I felt, and began to dream about finding my authentic self, and a new way of life that would hopefully include meaningful work, and a safe, comfortable place to live.

My two most immediate challenges were finding a way to support myself and a place to call home, and my options in those areas were not abundant. Not wanting the upkeep of a house and yard I had chosen to move out of the house we had shared for many years. There would be no financial support coming from my husband and I hadn’t worked a full-time job in quite a while. I was working part-time as a caregiver for a kind, caring, wealthy woman who I enjoyed working with, but it didn’t pay enough to support me, and she was 97 years old, so I couldn’t count on that being a long term position.

I sat down with paper and pencil and worked out how much money I would need to live each month. I envisioned what an ideal living and working situation might look like for me. I wrote down all of these things in great detail, and then sent up a prayer to the universe asking for help in making these things a reality.

At first, in my haste to see some of these dreams realized I made choices that didn’t serve me well, but in just a couple of months after moving out of my former home, my vision began to manifest.

Out of the blue…I received a phone call from the manager of a senior apartment community I had visited when looking for a place to live. She told me a position had opened in her community and she wondered if I might be interested in interviewing to become a Resident Services Coordinator. If I accepted the position I would have the unique situation of living in the same place I worked. My office would be attached to my apartment and I would manage a building of about 100 independent senior residents. I would receive a salary that met my requirements…and…my rent and utilities would be totally paid for as well.

I couldn’t believe it! This was exactly what I needed when I needed it most!

I was offered the job shortly after my interview and I gratefully accepted. I believe I appeared outwardly calm but inside I was excited, and also quite fearful of failure. My qualifications were spot on, as I worked well with seniors, and my computer skills were good; but, there were so many new things to learn and the learning curve becomes much steeper as we age. I gritted my teeth and told myself, “You can do this! You have to!”

Each day was spent learning the duties involved with my position, and each evening was spent moving into and organizing my new apartment and office. At first everything seemed overwhelming and exhausting. Each night I fell into bed and then literally dragged myself out of bed the next morning.

Gradually, I became acclimated to my new environment and tried to make my home and office as comfortable and pleasant as possible. The work was meaningful to me and it made good use of many of my talents, and allowed new talents to emerge.

I made new friends, not only with the staff, but with the residents in my building. Over time they found they could rely on me to see that things got done, not just the maintenance in their apartments, but also the overall care, safety, and appearance of our building.

Crestwood provided lots of fun events for their residents every month and all three Resident Service Coordinators were responsible for helping to set up and work the events. Things could get hectic sometimes, but overall there was a pretty good balance of work and fun.

I enjoyed spending time in my office with the window that allowed me to see the happenings in the lobby; and I enjoyed walking my building while checking on maintenance requests or safety issues, or perhaps delivering paperwork to residents. Several times a day I walked outside and crossed the street to the building where our main office was located to pick up or deliver needed items. There were residents to stop and chat with along the way, and I always felt a great sense of connection as I moved through our community.

Every other Friday night I would pack enough clothes for the weekend, and head to the beautiful home of the wealthy, elderly woman I was companion and caregiver to from Friday at 7 p.m. to Sunday at 7 p.m. . Mrs. M became another mother to me and we enjoyed each other’s company very much. We talked about life and shared our stories. She gave me good advice and always, always, made me feel like a member of her family, loved and cared for.

The money I earned there helped me to have the extras in life that made me a little happier. A visit to the movie theatre, time away with family, a new outfit, or some small treasure to make my home feel more like home to me.

I was working a lot but I also found ample time for quiet reflection, creative projects, writing, and recreation with family and friends. My youngest grandson spent lots of weekends with me, and I attended the monthly Crestwood dances, and danced with girlfriends until we dropped. Some evenings, alone in my apartment, the joy would well up inside me and spill out in dance…all over my living room floor.

Slowly, the work I was doing and the sense of community I felt at Crestwood helped me to feel more confident and sure of myself, and less alone in the world. My sense of independence was restored as I tested and found my strengths and capabilities. My heart was healing and I could now reach out and touch parts of my elusive, authentic self as she rose up from the dark place where she had been held captive for so long.

You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
You might find
You get what you need

Lyrics by Rolling Stones